Ban wood-burning fireplaces--and get a fume-free night's rest, too

Ban wood-burning fireplaces?

J.D. Mullane…jmullane@phillyburbs.com
www.phillyburbs.com
September 4, 2007

Every so often, readers will call to pitch an idea for a cause they believe I will champion.

Such is the case with a caller who left this message: “I was wondering if you would consider writing a column on fireplace burning, especially on nights when the weatherman says it's cool enough and you can leave your windows open. You know, "great sleeping weather.' Inevitably, certain people will use the cool night weather as an excuse to light a fire and snuggle next to a fireplace.

“The fumes fill the neighborhood and your bedroom and you can't leave your windows open. Maybe we need a ban on fireplace burning. I live in Levittown. It's getting really bad around here. But I was wondering if you would consider writing about this.”

Fireplaces cause “fumes” and give people an excuse to “snuggle”? Outrageous!
You are onto something, caller. Wood-burning fireplaces should be banned. Let me make the case, beginning with the “fumes” issue first.

Who can stand the smell of wood smoke wafting through the neighborhood, especially on a crisp autumn day?

Why, the next thing you know, a person might find himself digging through the garage for the football, calling his kids outside, tossing the football, having fun, and this inevitably puts him in a good mood.

But he should not be in a good mood! This is because he and his children are inhaling noxious fireplace fumes, which are loaded with grimy “particulates” that cause cancer, asthma and sleepless nights for grumpy neighbors. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if wood-burning fireplaces also cause global warming, cancer clusters, men who wear flip-flops while shopping, and other planetary plagues.

Now for the “snuggling” issue.

Lighting a fire naturally leads to this. In some cases, people are tempted to open a bottle of wine, recline in front of the crackling flames, and drink the wine.
This leads to something even worse than snuggling — drunken snuggling! And, dear caller, I think we know what kind of hanky-panky that leads to.

We need to lead Bucks County in the movement to ban wood-burning, planet-killing, snuggle-inducing fireplaces.

I suggest you and I form an environmental awareness group. We can call it “Fireplaces Are Really Terrible” and put the acronym on bumper stickers.
Maybe we could enlist the help of the New Hope Borough Council. New Hope has banned smoking in bars and wants to ban Dunkin' Donuts. New Hope seems to like banning stuff. Why not wood-burning fireplaces, too?

We could get annoying Irish rock star Bono to come and speak for the cause. He's with us on this. Last week, according a newspaper, he requested his neighbors in New York's Central Park West neighborhood stop using their fireplaces. He, too, is bothered by stink and fumes. Yay, Bono.

Naturally, people who like wood smoke, snuggling and hanky-panky will strongly object. We may have to compromise and permit propane fireplaces. Many of the new ones are operated by remote control, so we'll easily have the couch potato population on our side.

If people miss the sound of real wood crackling, we can have them download fireplace sound effects from our Web site. With digital quality sound, is there really a difference?

Sure, when Christmas comes, people may have to sing “Chestnuts Roasting on a Phony Fire.”

But we'll tell them to get over it. We're trying to save the planet, and get a fume-free night's rest, too.


Mullane's column appears Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday.---www.phillyburbs.com